I only feel it when it hurts. (He only feels it when it hurts.) Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I am in serious pain.

I shot the horse, but the horseman won. The horseman won. The horseman won. It was a full attack with a baby on his back it was a full attack with a baby on his back you know His aim was true. What can I do? What can I do-oo-oo? I shot the bear but the bearman won. I was no fun. I got no gun. I launched a full attack with the baby on my back. I threw it at that chap. Nearly had a heart attack. But then the bearman won. I’m leaving, son. I need a va-ca-tion. Maybe I’ll fly away to somewhere sunny soon. Then I shall shoot the sun and bring about the moon. Apocalyptic noon. Oh, gag me with a spoon. I shot the horse, but the horseman won. The horseman won, the horseman won. But then we made a truce after kicking my caboose. And then we shot the moose so the mooseman had to lose. Oh, yes Our aim was true. Yes we both knew. What we had to do!

I want to eat the sacred cheese but nobody will let me Is this cheese important? Is there purpose to upset me? They say to stay away from it They yell and scream and rant and spit They have a bloody, wild, fit. Oh, why won't they permit me? I want to eat the magic cheese but they have some objections. I want to gobble it all up. They have other suggestions. Eat a bowl of lima beans. Eat a rotten tangerine. Eat a rabid wolverine. Or crow burned to perfection. The sa-ca-red cheese How I could eat it with ease I am now down on my knees and I'm a’beggin' you please Yes, I would pay any fees ‘cause I will be ill at ease Til the sa-ca-red-cheese can be mine I want to eat the special cheese Not all that other junk there I must consume the dairy hunkus and I think I shall dare. See me eat the sacred cheese See me grow a beard of bees See me spouting Socrates and vanishing into thin air! Now that I am floating here in the twilight zone The world is laughing at me, but prov and you prov alone. I’m floating here so alone. I can’t find my mobile phone. I’ve reaped, but I’ve also sown. I prov’d, thus I prov alone.

If I’ve learned a single thing within this year I’ve learned this tidbit. Anyone or anything could possibly be president. In this here United States we’re clearly craving something different. Let me throw within the ring the hat of one I represent. I don’t wanna be that guy, but folks: Please consider my goat. I think that this kid deserves your vote. Please consider my goat. Goats are without hate and without prejudice towards immigrants. If president, I think you’ll find that all your rights will stick around. He won’t even ask for any cash to run this lovely nation. All he asks is that you let him eat the junk that’s on the ground. I don’t wanna be that guy, but folks: Please consider my goat. I think that this kid deserves your vote. Please consider my goat. He will not built a moat. He won’t be a turncoat. He shan’t strike unprovoked. Goat. He is the antidote. He shan’t be a footnote. He will keep us afloat. Goat. Since it’s been established that you people don’t care who you vote for, Why not let the cloven-hooved candidate be president? I don’t wanna be that guy, but folks: Please consider my goat. I think that this kid deserves your vote. Please consider my goat. Better choice than all the gals and blokes. Please consider my goat. He won’t go on twitter just to gloat. Please consider my goat.

You’re standing up and it’s driving me crazy I’ve tried for hours to not let it phase me, but Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down You’re driving me mad with all that standing! I don’t mean to sound demanding, but Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down I’ve tried asking nice. I’ve tried asking twice. Shall I ask you thrice? Or use a make-you-sit device? Did you somehow stand up taller? You’re about to make me holler! Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down Dennis, sit down Did you just duplicate to deny me? Your four feet on the floor defy me! Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down Now that is some introduction to your special brand of destruction. Asexual reproduction?! Cease your Dennises production. They’re twenty of you, all of them upright I don’t want to seem real uptight, but Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down I’m gonna release the Dennis-eaters I keep them in the basement with the water heater. Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down Dennises, sit down Y’all had better sit down ‘Cause they’re looking very hungry. Yes they’re hungry, hungry, hungry. Better sit ‘cause they look hungry. *sit noise* THERE we go. Ok, Dennis-eaters. Back in the basement with ya. (Disappointed Dennis-eater sounds)

You’re gonna get a piece of my mind. You’re gonna get a piece of my pie. Have we got a problem? I know how to solve ‘em. You’re baking up a disgrace. You’re working my last nerve. And you’re going to get served With cheese all up in your face. Do you want a pizza this? Cheese fists. Do you want a piece of me? You’re gonna get a mouthful if you’re trying to defy me! You want to have a slice of this, huh? You’re gonna get a slice of pizza. Got something to show me? Well this pepperoni is getting tired of your lip. Olive to tell ya That buddy I smell ya And you do not smell equipped. Do you want a pizza this? Cheese fists. Do you want a piece of me? You’re gonna get a mouthful if you’re trying to defy me! Do you want a pizza this? Cheese fists. Do you want a piece of me? You’re gonna get a mouthful if you’re trying to defy me! I’m gonna gar-lick ya. I’ll punch ya. I’ll kick ya. You never sausage a fight. You wanna sample my kicks of pineapple? Are you al-fraid’o my might? Do you want a pizza this? Cheese fists. Do you want a piece of me? You’re gonna get a mouthful if you’re trying to defy me! Do you want a pizza this? Cheese fists. Do you want a piece of me? You’re gonna get a mouthful if you’re trying to defy me!

Door Table When you don’t got a table, but you got a door Door Table Now you don’t have a door anymore Let’s call a spade a spade: It’s an even trade. My day has been made by my Door Table My living room was feeling quite a void. I’d sit down at the nothing and I’d get annoyed. I had to hold my dinner in my hands. But then I looked up at my entrance and I made some plans. Door Table Where there once was no table, now I have a door Door Table Don’t even know what that door was good for Let’s call a jack a jack: This is my life hack. This code has been cracked. It’s my Door Table I didn’t like that door there anyway. I used to feel so lonely, now I make friends every day. It’s really such a conversation piece. The super doesn’t get it and he’s threatening my lease. Door Table When you don’t got a table, but you got a door Door Table Now I don’t have a door ‘cause I’m poor Let’s call a queen a queen: It’s so nifty keen The brilliance of my bean made my Door Table Hey don’t you know, you should go with the flow When you need a flat surface, you go eenie meenie moe And you point at the do’ which had been there befo’ You even got here. And make it not here. Because you got more needs for a horizontal surface than a vertical one and now we’re really having fun ‘Cause with door table, I’m now able To put things on a thing. Shouldn’t bother anyone. Door Table When you don’t got a table, but you got a door Door Table Even having a door was a chore Let’s call a club a club: Hey, a club’s a club. Ain’t nothin’ that can drub my rad Door Table

Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Don’t throw it to me, though! They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow, he gonna throw you that ball! Officer Freethrow that foul didn’t come from me, bro! Officer Freethrow, you gotta bend with your knees, yo. Officer Freethrow. I don’t think he’s from Murfreesboro. Officer Freethrow, he gonna throw you that ball! Here on the court comes a spoil sport. And he thinks he can be the referee. Well, I didn’t appoint him and you didn’t anoint him. Be he showed up and he thought he’d feel free. It really sticks in my craw the way he thinks he’s the law. And I’d rather he stayed out of our fun. Of course the rules are the rules, but he’s acting a fool and this game’s supposed to (game’s supposed to) s’posta be one on one. Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Don’t throw it to me, though! They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow, he gonna throw you that ball! Commodore Touchdown. Don’t need no Commodore Touchdown. Commodore Touchdown, just no. Commodore Touchdown showin’ up and making me much frown. This isn’t football. Just go. Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow. They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Don’t throw it to me, though! They’re callin’ him Officer Freethrow. Officer Freethrow, he gonna throw you that ball! Officer Freethrow that foul didn’t come from me, bro! Officer Freethrow, you gotta bend with your knees, yo. Officer Freethrow. I don’t think he’s from Murfreesboro. Officer Freethrow, he gonna throw you that ball!

WHAT’S UUUUUUP! What can you make with an egg? I’ve got a bottle full of stuff that you can make with an egg. It’s in a holster on my leg. ‘Cause there is nothing that I don’t like mayo on I like mayo on everything. Creamy flavor that makes me sing. I like mayo on everything. That’s what’s up. THAT’S WHAT’S UUUUUUP! Why don’t you jump off a pier? I’ll put it on whatever and I don’t care if you think that it’s weird. You gonna take it by force? I’m gonna put it on my pizza and the problem is yours. I like mayo on everything. Creamy flavor that makes me sing. I like mayo on everything. That’s what’s up. THAT’S WHAT’S UUUUUUP!

Kyle: There’s a rock in my face I didn’t put it in this place I will never understand why you put this rock in my face. There’s some gravel in my grill And I will not ever will Understand why a man Would put gravel in my grill There’s a boulder in my shoulder but the verse already over Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Second verse, Lindzilla’s turn Exact same thing, but it’s really, really cute! Lindsay: There’s a rock in my face I didn’t put it in this place I will never understand why you put this rock in my face. There’s some gravel in my grill And I will not ever will Understand why a man Would put gravel in my grill There’s a boulder in my shoulder but the verse already over Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Third verse and we’ll do it together Exact same thing but it’s two people now. Both: There’s a rock in my face I didn’t put it in this place I will never understand why you put this rock in my face. There’s some gravel in my grill And I will not ever will Understand why a man Would put gravel in my grill There’s a boulder in my shoulder but the verse already over Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Punim full of pebbles I guess you’re some kind of reb-el Maybe you’re a jerk who put rocks in my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Rock in my face rock in my face rocks all up inside my face Fourth verse doesn’t exist There’s rocks in both of our faces, the end!

Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. I found Cory. He was in the House. And that was so Raven of him. I found Boy. He met world. Then again, so did girl. It’s not surprising, since she’s his kin. It’s just a list of pop culture references, but I’m doing it Step by Step. While I’m familiar with the Perfect Strangers, there’s one thing I don’t know yet. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. Family doesn’t really Matter, It’s only Urkel that I can’t find. I found Saved by the Bell they found Stephan Urquelle But Steven proper was not in line. Had no trouble with Punky Brewster. And Sabrina helped me find Alf. But when it came to Hannah *cymbal crash* Montana *cymbal crash* Everything went south. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. I need to find all of them or else there will be trouble. I don’t need to find Matlock and I don’t need Barney Rubble. But if I find neither Zach nor Cody, they are gonna fire us. I can’t find Hannah Montana But I can’t get rid of Miley Cyrus. Now i ain’t Carly, but Good Luck Charlie Just did a Roundhouse on me. He think’s he’s All That. At least I know where he’s at. And he Can’t Do That on TV. I found Just the 10 of Us and Winnie the witch, the star of the show Free Spirit. But unless someone can find Hannah *cymbal crash* Montana *cymbal crash* I don’t want to hear it. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. Where’s Hannah Montana? Please clue me in. I found the Guys Next Door, Teen Angel, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Unless your name is Hannah Montana, I don’t even care.

I’m making a pledge: I’m betting my hedge. I’m giving a wedge. I’m lord of the edge. It’s a bombsplosion. It’s like an explosion but from a bomb. It’s a bombsplosion. What’s the difference? Go ask your mom. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. It’s a bombsplosion. It’s annihilation aimed at your face. It’s a bombsplosion. What’s my problem? Go ask your… face. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Shut up. (No, you shut up.)

I don't wanna be here or do this anymore. I don't wanna do that again. I know it's painful. I've done that before. And I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want to ask the super to replace my lights He'll think I'm whiney and see my messy room and it'll turn into a fight He'll slap me senseless and then he'll tell me that I must move out. I'll be homeless and be forced to sleep out with the trout I know that seems wild but when I was a child momma told me " better safe than sorry" So I will never ever ever take any risks and then I'll never have to worry. Unless something happens that's out of my control and then I'll really be screwed. But until that happens I'll avoid confrontation so I don't get beat up by some dude. I don't wanna write that letter to my friend who I haven't seen in years. I haven't contacted them in a long time and she's gonna think that's weird. She'll get really mad that it's been so long and she'll fly overseas. She'll come to my place and feign friendliness then beat the crap outta me.

Ladies and Gents, I publicly must lament the poultriest problem they make. I love the fried chicken, but the plot, it then thickens for I only love it when it’s great. There’s good stuff around and ok stuff I’ve found but I’ve got an itch that must be scratched I know there’s a mark above the best that I’ve snarfed. The best chicken that has been hatched. I need that next level chicken. I need that next level chicken. The stuff at Lamont’s, no-no, it just leaves me want- ing. It’s good but it won’t satisfy. The stuff at Mook’s Pier, I tried that bullcrap last year. They try to distract you with fries. The chicken at Beasley’s, or should I say “Diseasely’s” Is scarcely a chicken at all The chicken at Bjorn’s, the foreign grocery store, Is good, but they folded last fall. I need that next level chicken. I need that next level chicken. But then I wandered into a new ramen shop Karaage chicken offered a la carte I ordered me an order and when it arrived Twas a sight that gave hope to my lonely heart. Three massive pieces fried into a golden brown with a juiciness that could not be surpassed Combined with seasoned salt that they served on the side It trounced all chicken that I had in the past. It was the next level chicken. Truly the next level chicken. I had the next level chicken. I ate the next level chicken

I know you don’t like your appearance, but I’m really into it. The disconnect is because I’m always grasping at flaws I know you don’t like how you look right now but I am so on board. I know it may give you pause that I am grasping at flaws You say that you’re not conventionally attractive But I did not attend that convention I’ve heard “f your beauty standards” but those were not my standards. Please know that you have my attention assuming you want my attention. If not, I shall avoid the mention My feelings for you aren’t based on your looks, but they-are-one-hell-of-a-plus. Your personality, it sold your face to me. And that’s why I’m making a fuss. You get all my honey ‘cause your face is funny and not in spite I’m so in love with your schnoz I’m always grasping at flaws The cover girl’s nice but you are more than twice that my cup of tea. The disconnect is because I know it may give you pause My wont is as ever was: Forever grasping at flaws

Hi there! I know speed dating is a new one on you. I’m glad to tell you, girl, it’s new on me as well. Oh, this? The beard’s a new thing that I’m trying. I’d be lying if I said that I had thought it through too well. I don’t mean to speak out of turn but you appear to have 3 arms It’s cool. I mean the dating scene is what it is. You meet a lot of folks you wouldn’t have otherwise have met. I’ve seen a lot of things since I’ve been single But I’ve got to say a third arm is a thing I ain’t seen yet. By no means am I jud- ging you I’m sor- ry that I brought it up You’ve got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but You’ve got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed ‘cause You’ve got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but You’ve got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed Hi there! I’m glad that you agreed to meet again. I thought I made a bad impression, so I’m quite relieved. I know I put a lot of focus on a certain attribute of yours. I’m sure it’s one of your pet peeves. I think that you are su per neat so I will keep my eyes up here. Hi, me. This is your little inner voice. You got this. There’s a lot of subjects that are not an extra limb. It’s not like you would stare at other peoples’ arms. This ain’t some kind of gun show like you’d see inside a gym. But since it is just me and me I’ll sing this chor- us to myself She’s got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but She’s got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed ‘cause She’s got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but She’s got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed No big deal. It’s just 3 arms. 1, 2, 3. 3 arms. Is it real? It’s just 3 arms. 1, 2, 3. 3 arms. Sex appeal? It’s just 3 arms. 1, 2, 3. 3 arms. I think we’ll seal the deal. She’s got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but She’s got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed ‘cause She’s got 3 arms. I know the other one won’t do me no harm, but She’s got 3 arms I can’t help but be a little bit alarmed

What’s a girl like you doin’ in a place like public? I’ve seen you around I think we both live around here. Why’s a guy like me orbiting you like I’m sputnik? I’ve seen you around See, something ‘bout you draws me near. Please hear me out. What’s this about? I wanna get ur number So I can send you pictures of my cat I gotta get ur number, darlin’ Look at him he’s just so funny! You seem somewhat shocked. Don’t you wanna see my kitty? You’re so hard to read. Is that relief or are you upset? You seem like the type Who’d enjoy him, ain’t he pretty? All I really want is to share my fuzzy pet. I speak the truth Don’t be so aloof I wanna get ur number So I can send you pictures of my cat I gotta get ur number, baby Look at him he’s just so funny! I love my cat. Isn’t he great? Your Pusheen shirt gives you away! I know it’s hard out there for gals. No pressure, but let’s be cat pals! I wanna get ur number So I can send you pictures of my cat I gotta get ur number, sweetie Look at him he’s just so funny! I wanna get ur number So I can send you pictures of my cat I gotta get ur number, nice lady Do you like cats and do you have one?

Oh joy, oh rapture. A new movie comes out today! It’s “The Revenge of Return of Toupeezilla 8”. Ok, I saw it. It wasn’t as good as the first. The writing’s fine, but the special effects were the worst. I do not like the direction that Hollywood’s taken their monster effects. Long gone are the days of the crafting and care of the images that they project. Classic wig monsters Not like the newfangled bullcrap Classic wig monsters Better than what’s under your hat Classic wig monsters Not ruined by modern CG Classic wig monsters Wipe that stuff off with a squeegee Wig monsters were rad Back when I was a lad Back in the 80s, wig flicks had reached their widow’s peak. Frightwig on Rug Street, a fine sample of fuzzy freaks. It was so clever how they made toupees look undead in mane attractions like Hellrazor and Evil Head. Why do the bigwigs think they need computers for suspension of disbelief? The miracle barbers from back in the day, they used actual shavings and teeth! Classic wig monsters Not like the newfangled bullcrap Classic wig monsters Better than what’s under your hat Classic Wig Monsters Not ruined by modern CG Classic wig monsters Wipe that stuff off with a squeegee Wig monsters were rad Back when I was a Classic wig monsters Bring on the beard of Rick Baker Classic wig monsters Not like today’s modern fakers Wig monsters were wild Back when I was a child

“Disney’s Chris” is just a movie ‘bout a guy. It’s needlessly expensive. It’s a remake of an older one. “Orange is the new annoying”, by the by, About a prison full of food and their trials and tribulations. Consider if you will the film ”Thor: Fragglerok” Gobo has an eyepatch and his brother Wembly can’t be trusted. “Pre-dater” it’s, a prequel as you may have grokked. This alien arrives quite a while before the other one. I love you hat. Ain’t no robots in the film “Specific Tim” A Timothy in general won’t really get the job done. “Justice Lee” is a movie about him. Lee fights something or other and his mother’s name is “Martha”. Very scary is the movie called “Get Oot” It’s horrible how racist people are against Canadians “Stranger Rick” is a frightening raccoon. A magazine for children I’ve been reading in the Upside Down. I love you hat. Oh, hat. You have no talent for telling me titles But you’re a hat and it’s a function that isn’t quite vital. I love you hat.

When it comes right down to it, When push comes to shove, At the end of the day, what it all boils down to. Is I can’t find the cereal. I can’t find the cereal. Where on Earth’s the cereal? Nevermind. There it is.