Bear Maximum

by TV's Kyle

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about

Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the new TV’s Kyle album.
Yes, I realize that calling it “new” right here will become dated as soon
as I release another one, but I don’t… I don’t care.
Now folks, you may recognize some… in fact most of these songs from thefump.com
You may be asking “Kyle, isn’t normalizing that audio, fixing up one or two things, and recording a meta opening track just doing the bare minimum?”
No, my judgmental friend.
That’s the BEAR MAXIMUM.

credits

released June 4, 2015

Cover models: Paige Smith and Quincie the Bear

tags

license

Track Name: I'm Back (A Dinosaur's Story)
Hi there, folks, it’s TV’s Kyle
I know that it’s been quite a while
since you have seen my mutton-chopped face.

Now let me tell you listeners
I understand you’ve been concerned,
but I’ve been to a far-away place.

A pterodactyl, suddenly,
made its existence known to me
and motioned for me to climb ‘twixt his wings.

And while the land that I did find
was ostensibly before time
I’ve returned ‘fore they got to 14.

I’m back! It’s a dinosaur’s story.
I’m back! I was destined for glory!
I’m back! It was so dinosaury
That Spielberg would eat his dumb hat.

I’m back! It’s a dino-dimension.
I’m back! There was ne’er any tension.
In fact, we were partying hardy.
It don’t get no better than that!

I met an ankylosaurus
and I quickly named him “Morris”
I drew faces on the plates of his back.

I met a rad diplodocus
who had a rad methodicus.
His tail made a fantastic whip crack.

I partied with Deinonychus
His talons causing quite the fuss
And stegosaurus’ spikes thrilled the crowd.

Then via flying limousine
those prehistoric dance machines
Went to a dance club over the clouds!

I’m back! It’s a dinosaur’s story.
I’m back! I was destined for glory!
I’m back! It was so dinosaury
That Spielberg would eat his dumb hat.

I’m back! It’s a dino-dimension.
I’m back! There was ne’er any tension.
In fact, we were partying hardy.
It don’t get no better than that!

I have some information that might cause some consternation
especially if your age is over 30.
See, I had an observation that I saw on my vacation
that dinos have in common with the birdies.
They have feathers! They have feathers!
Yes, my dino bros had feathers!
I know that this will bother some of you.
But science won’t deny us what I spied with my li’l eye-us.
They’ve got feathers just like all the birdies do! Sorry guyz!

I’m back! It’s a dinosaur’s story. (It’s a story of the dinosaurs.)
I’m back! I was destined for glory! (He partied with them and nothing more.)
I’m back! It was so dinosaury (As a story it was quite a snore.)
That Crichton would dance in his grave!

I’m back! It’s a dino-dimension. (Then, I guess he danced with them I guess.)
I’m back! There was ne’er any tension. (Bridge was about birds. It was a mess.)
In fact, we were partying hardy. (Think I’m gonna leave ‘cause I’m depressed.)
We just didn’t want to behave!
Track Name: Bear Maximum (feat. Lindzilla)
Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to the new TV’s Kyle album.
Yes, I realize that calling it “new” right here will become dated as soon
as I release another one, but I don’t… I don’t care.
Now folks, you may recognize some… in fact most of these songs from thefump.com
You may be asking “Kyle, isn’t normalizing that audio, fixing up one or two things, and recording a meta opening track just doing the bare minimum?”
No, my judgmental friend.
That’s the BEAR MAXIMUM.

Listen up all my motherlovin’ friends, let me tell you a tale.
There once was a bear ‘bout the size of a killer whale.
He was way too big to be kept in any zoo.
Yeah, he was bigger than me and bigger than most of you.

But this bear, my ladies and germs, he didn’t do much.
He didn’t swipe at fish of steal picnic baskets and such.
He used up all his gumption just being who he was.
A bucket of meat covered in a bucket of fuzz.

He may have done the bare minimum.
But he was theeeeeee

Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
That’s all the bear there is. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
A great big loafing whiz. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
The biggest one alive!
He ain’t no ursa minor.
He’s an ursa major guy.

Must admit, all my motherlovin’ friends, that I’ve said all the things.
And if this concept don’t have legs, it sure don’t have no wings.
I guess all I had was a verse and then a chorus’ worth of stuff.
But I’m a very busy man and I don’t want no guff.

So now I’ve let the verses lapse in to irrelevance.
And the chorus is’a coming, so I’m feeling kinda tense.
So let’s us all pretend that I did a great ol’ job.
Instead of all’a y’all turning into an angry mob.

I may have done the bare minimum.
But he was theeeeeee

Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
That’s all the bear there is. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
A great big loafing whiz. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
The biggest one alive!
He ain’t no ursa minor.
He’s an ursa major guy.

I’ll take this opportunity since I got the real estate.
To call to the stage someone wicked nitro great.
Her name is Lindszilla and she wants to hear you scream.
She’s every Kaiju boy’s lovely lizard dream!

(‘CAUSE SHE’S GOT THOSE)
Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!
Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!

Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
That’s all the bear there is. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
A great big loafing whiz. He’s the
Bear maximum. (Bear maximum.)
The biggest one alive!
He ain’t no ursa minor.
He’s an ursa major guy.

Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!
Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!
Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!
Pretty dances. Pretty dances.
Lindsay’s got the pretty dances!
Track Name: Wizard Lyfe
Wizard Lyfe

Verse 1
It’s pretty sweet here livin’ in Burbank, C.
But it’s a little bit sweeter when you’re little ol’ me.
Got a little bit of magic but my name ain’t Juan.
Got you under my spell, but I spell everything wrong.

M to the A to the G-I-C
plus me makes shenanigans constantly.
But it’s sub-to the-urb-to the I to the A
So all that means is that your mailbox might go away.

Might pull a rabbit out of your pants.
Might make a jungle out of your plants.
If I see a sexy muggle babe coming down the way.
I might turn invisible and check her out, ok?

I say “invisible” but sometimes I get lazy
and you’ll just see mutton chops floating there all crazy.
Wait til you see all the things I can do.
And I’m magically delicious like a purple horseshoe.

Pre-chorus:

Saying magic words is like bustin’ rhymes.
I’ll prestidigitate some dang good times.
I’ll put on a scarf and some fancy pants robes,
then I’ll use Fire 3 and make the whole pace explode!

Use oculus repairo and then you’ll see,
that I’ll use this magic ring and DANCE. PLEASE.
I’m dancing on the ceiling as I shake and shimmy.
They call me Mr Wizard and I need another Timmy.

Chorus:

Casting spells on everyone I see? It’s Magic!
All the witches hanging out with me? It’s Magic!
You can see there’s nothing up my sleeve. It’s Magic
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Can I have a volunteer? It’s Magic!
Who make ya dolla disappear? It’s Magic!
I’m apparating outta here! It’s Magic!
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Verse 2

I’m a sorcerer. Yes, courseerer.
And I’m riding on a broom, not a horserer.
Stocking up on potions I endorserer.
I never ever have to use the forcerer.

The ladies call me Kyle the Conjuror.
I’ll perform enchantments to astonjuror.
Y’all know who I am. I’m not anonjuror.
I have 718 Pokemonjuror.

I use my iPad without touching the screen.
My rider says there’s only red every-flavor beans.
I arrive on a dragon when I make the scene.
I hatched her myself. Her name is Christine.

I chill with Magiranger when I go to Japan.
I chill with Rincewind. He’s a funny little man.
I chill with Glomer when I go to Chaundoon.
When I wanna chill alone, I fly to the moon.

Pre-chorus:

Saying magic words is like bustin’ rhymes.
I’ll prestidigitate some dang good times.
I’ll put on a scarf and some fancy pants robes,
then I’ll use Fire 3 and make the whole pace explode!

Use oculus repairo and then you’ll see,
that I’ll use this magic ring and DANCE. PLEASE.
I’m dancing on the ceiling as I shake and shimmy.
They call me Mr Wizard and I need another Timmy.

Chorus:

Casting spells on everyone I see? It’s Magic!
All the witches hanging out with me? It’s Magic!
You can see there’s nothing up my sleeve. It’s Magic
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Can I have a volunteer? It’s Magic!
Who make ya dolla disappear? It’s Magic!
I’m apparating outta here! It’s Magic!
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Bridge:

Some folks say that my life is excess.
They don’t like that my power’s lead to my success.
Well, I worked my magic butt off to get to this point.
‘Cause I went to Frogwarts and I rocked that joint.
I don’t suffer player haters in my magical life.
Y’all can hang with this mage if you don’t cause me strife.
Best get outta my grill. Best not give me the biz.
‘Cause you know that nobody can beat The Wiz.

Chorus:

Casting spells on everyone I see? It’s Magic!
All the witches hanging out with me? It’s Magic!
You can see there’s nothing up my sleeve. It’s Magic
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Can I have a volunteer? It’s Magic!
Who make ya dolla disappear? It’s Magic!
I’m apparating outta here! It’s Magic!
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Casting spells on everyone I see? It’s Magic!
All the witches hanging out with me? It’s Magic!
You can see there’s nothing up my sleeve. It’s Magic
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.

Can I have a volunteer? It’s Magic!
Who make ya dolla disappear? It’s Magic!
I’m apparating outta here! It’s Magic!
Livin’ that Wizard Lyfe.
Track Name: Meat
I'm up late at night trying to finish some work.
I'm feeling hungry so upstairs Im'a lurk.
I peek in the fridge to see what's good.
I don't see anything I am in the mood for.

I wish that I had a burger to eat.
With cheese and some ketchup. Now that's my kind of meat.
The odds are against me 'cause it's 1AM
But homey, I needs me the burger of ham

I need meat.
I need meat.
Call it testosterone or protein withdrawal.
I frankly don't care if you call it at all.
I need meat.
I need meat.
Put mayo on my bun, si'l vous plait.
And everything's gonna be a-ok.
I need meat

I'm driving all over and most places are closed.
I see a McDonald's, but I turn up my nose.
I might be desperate, but I'm not insane.
I want a piece of meat that comes from a cow, please.

My small town has zilch, so it's time to vacate.
Some big city beef 'cause I ain't gonna wait.
I get on the highway and nobody's there.
This moment, like burgers, is really quite rare.

I need meat.
I need meat.
Call it obsession or call it a need.
Just serve me a burger with the utmost of speed.
I need meat.
I need meat.
I crave it more than a junkie craves crack.
Top it off with some monterey jack
I need meat

I found an all-night diner.
Ordered their "'49er".
Why would you name
a burger
after a sports team?
Oh well, whatever.

I sink in my teeth and the flavors seep in.
Now this is a moment that is loaded with win.
Some of you may think that this was a waste.
I'll argue when I'm not in my happy place.

I need meat.
I need meat.
Don't settle for substandard cow flesh, gents.
The choleric intake must taste magnificent.
I need meat.
I need meat.
Bacon is a privilege and not a rule.
The very idea has me covered with drool
I need meat
Track Name: Bagels or Beagles (feat. Dictionary Attack)
Bagels or Beagles

I have got some problems with perception.
I know I must refill my prescription.
My vision's not too clear.
And I cannot quite hear.

What on Earth are those things over there, now?
Is it sushi or a very small cow?
I'll get a bit less far.
Oh, I see what they are. (I think.)

Are they bagels or are they just beagles?
Are they parrots or just paralegals?
I'm such a feeble man
and I don't understand.

Wow, my mind, it really must be going.
I think that my age is clearly showing.
It doesn't bother me.
There's adventure wherever I don't see!

Yeah, I'd rather do some big exploring.
Wrinkle counting's gotten pretty boring.
My caretaker's a wreck.
But I am not dead yet!

Are they bagels or are they just beagles?
Are they bald or are they just bald eagles?
I'm such a feeble man
and I don't understand.
Are they eggs or are they just excited?
Am I out of my mind or am I just outside?
Should I have stayed indoors
Where there's no wild boars? (Just boredom.)

There was a time
when I thought I'd seen it all.
Now that I'm lost,
I am standing oh so tall.

I have got some problems with perception.
But I think I relish the reception.
I'm free of any woes.
It keeps me on my toes.

Are they bagels or are they just beagles?
Jason Vorhees or just Jason Segal?
I'm such a feeble man
and I don't understand.
Are they waffles or are they just awful?
Is it Bowser or is it just Fawful?
Senility's my bag.
I love my life of lag.
Track Name: We're Gonna Hurt Them
You say you're beaten down, my friend,
By a group of young toughs?
You say they're picking on you
and they're making it very rough? (very rough)

Well, I've got good news, my friend.
You won't face them alone!
I'm gonna help you out and they will
All get pwned (all get pwned)

We're not gonna negotiate.
Once a punk, always a punk.
We're gonna use some good old-fashioned
violence (violence)

We're gonna hurt them!
We totally will!
We're gonna hurt them!
We're gonna hurt them
until they can't feel!
We're gonna smack them repeatedly
over and over and over in the face!

You say they took your comic books
And they yelled at your dog?
We won't let them get away with it. (way with it)

You say they scuffed your sneakers up
and they're stealing your style?
Together we will make those monsters
Pay for it! (Pay for it)

They won't hold open the door for you
When your arms are full of stuff?
We're gonna kick them where it
surely counts (surely counts)

We're gonna break them!
We totally will!
We're gonna break them!
We're gonna break them
until they can't feel!
We're gonna smack them repeatedly
over and over and over in the face!

They'll pay for their transgressions
To the tune of my two fists
Removing all their organs
To my classical playlist
They'll wish they hadn't made you
Mildly dissatisfied
We're gonna rip their arms off
and we'll shove them in their eyes!

We're gonna kill them!
Yeah, we might as well.
We're gonna kill them!
We're gonna kill them
until they can't feel!
We're gonna smack them repeatedly
over and over and over in the face and neck and chest and torso
We're gonna kill them!
And burn them as well.
We're gonna kill them!
We're gonna kill them
until they are dead
We're gonna smack them repeatedly
over and over with their own broken legs

over and over until it is over
yeah, buddy!
Track Name: All For the Boogie
I like to dance. You know it.
Shake that booty. Shake that booty.
I got implants implanted
To improve my boogie.

I like some girls. Hello there.
Hello, ladies. Hello, ladies.
I've been enhanced. I did it
Just to please the ladies.

If there's two things I can't stand.
It's folks who don't like my band.
Your mom does not understand.
The boogie's at my command.

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
So won't you shake your booty for the
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
So won't you give a noogie
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House

I'm drinking oil. You wonder
"What's he doing? What's he doing?"
I've made some sacrifices
To improve my boogie.

Who needs humanity, man?
What is human? What is human?
Better is better and it's
all to please the ladies.

If there's two things I can't stand
It's folks who say that I'm bland.
I'm programmed for the bandstand.
The freshness can come from cans.

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
So won't you shake your booty for the
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
So won't you give a noogie
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House

I got swag in copious amounts!
(Boogie down.)
I got a booty and you know it's gonna bounce!
(Boogie down.)
I see the ladies and you know I'm gonna pounce!
(Boogie down.)
I got the boogie when it absolutely counts!
(Boogie down.)
Listen all you haters in the joint!
(Boogie down.)
Think yer all just missinin' the point!
(Boogie down.)
Ya'll are jeerin' from the mezzanine!
(Boogie down.)
At a literal dance machine!
(Boogie down.)

(Are you here to rock the house, sir?)
Yes indeed, Yes indeed, Yes indeed!
(And what'cha doing that fer?)
What'cha mean? What'cha mean? What'cha mean?

Am I disintegrating?
I'm so rusty. I'm so rusty.
I've made some clear missteps now
To improve my boogie.

I should have read the fine print.
(Maintenance? What's maintenance?)
I can't believe I did this
Just to please the ladies.

If there's two things I can't stand.
It's parts of me that aren't man.
I'm sorry to all my fans.
This wasn't part of the plan.

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
And I bequeath my booty to the
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
And I rescind that noogie to the
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
I take my final lookie at the
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House
Ladies in the House

Did it all for the boogie.
That's right the boogie.
I guess I should've listened to the
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Haters in the House
Track Name: Barney the Purple Ranger
Back when I was a lad of 15 or so
I liked to keep my dial on the Fox Kids shows.
There was Eek the Cat, the pirate Mad Jack
Bobby's World and Animaniacs.

But one day I saw a thing I can't comprehend.
Something I never ever saw again.
A crossover nobody wanted to see.
I swear I saw on my TV:

Barney the Purple Ranger
It was freakin' nutty, he was reading to the Puttys.
Barney the Purple Ranger
It seemed very very wrong.
To hear him sing the theme song.
(Barney lah-lahs the Power Rangers theme song)

I thought for a moment I was on the wrong channel.
But I could see Jason there chilling in his flannel.
Seems Rita Repulsa and the mighty Lord Zedd
have kidnapped Baby Bop who they'd like to see dead.

So far, I'd have to say I was on the villains' side.
Plus it's hard to pretend that I didn't mind
Watching a giggling wiggling wriggling dino
fail so bad at martial arts that he looks like a wino.

Barney the Purple Ranger
Did I hallucinate this? Did I actually see it?
Barney the Purple Ranger
If it's a fever dream, then fine. So be it.

He'll never ever save Baby Bop
with arms too tiny to karate chop
He can't wear the helmet 'cause his head's gigantic.
Can't stand his antics. His moves are frantic.

I was gonna change the channel 'cause I was getting bored
but then he did a thing that couldn't be ignored
He called BJ and Sandy Duncan with his magical sword
And became the giant robot Idiot Zord

He fell over and destroyed a giant monster
He saved Baby Bop. Now a word from our sponsor.
I turned off the tube and I took a nap.
It's kind of hard to recover from that.

Barney the Purple Ranger
It was a show I couldn't unsee.
Barney the Purple Ranger
It's not on YouTube, so you'll have to trust me.

Barney the Purple Ranger
LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH
Barney the Purple Ranger
LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH
Barney the Purple Ranger-- A program that could not be stranger.
Track Name: Wiggling is a Luxury We Can't Afford (feat. Lindzilla)
Lindsay: Hey Kyle?
Kyle: What?
Lindsay: How ‘bout dem wiggles?
Kyle: Here’s da thing…

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
So don’t do that ‘round here.

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Though I understand the urge can’t be ignored.
Sadly though as much as I might be implored,
We can’t do that ‘round here.

Lindsay:
I want to wiggle all the times.
You think they’ll charge you all the fines?
I think, just once, they wouldn’t mind.
What do you say?

Kyle: Nononononononono

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
So don’t do that ‘round here.

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
They say it is effrontery against the lord.
We can’t just wiggle wiggle of our own accord.
So don’t do dat round here!

*wicked J2 guitar solo, the second half of which is disco*

Lindsay: I think it’s time for wiggles nows.
But you are having all the cows.
Let’s wiggle all the butts like wows.
What do you say?

Kyle: Nononononononono

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
So don’t do that ‘round here.

Wiggling is a luxury we can’t afford.
Though I know your booty might be slightly bored.
I know it wants to babble like the mighty fjord.
But don’t do dat round here.

Lindsay: I’m gonna do it anyway. Jerk.
Kyle: Nooooooo.
Track Name: What's It About? (It's About Love)
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.

If someone were to ask me what it was about.
Mmmm. I would say “love”.
If they were to let me know they were talking to someone else.
It’s still about love.
Yeaaaah!

What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.

What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.

As an expert on the subject of what its about.
It’s definitely love.
But if you’ve got some doubt and need to look it up.
It’ll say love! (I wrote the wikipedia paaaaaaaaaaaage!)

What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.

What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.

I’ve got my phD (In love.)
I aced my SATs (In love.)
I am the CEO (of love.)
You see I am a pro. (of love.)

Yeah, I’m a high roller of love.
Yeah, I’m the comptroller of love.
I’m the vice principal of love.
And who’s the president baby?

YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

What’s it about?
What’s it about?
What’s it about?
It’s about love. Love.
Track Name: Demolition Mannequin
I'm standing lifeless in the window.
Don't think that I will let you win, though.
I am a mannequin of action
A super silent secret agent.
Comin' atcha. hunting down enemy factions.

I look like I'm standing still, but I am ready to kill.
No, I will not feel fulfilled until I fire at will.
I am all dressed to the nines just like I am all the time
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.
Even though I'm immobile my intentions are noble.
and my scope it is global. Think I'll cause a Chernobyl
I 'm impeccably dressed but I'll make this place a mess
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.

I'm not the type who ever gets tired
Of being wheeled into the crossfire.
My styrofoam is shaken, not stirred.
I am not running in slow motion
In front of the explosion. Dummies cannot run.

I look like I'm standing still, but I am ready to kill.
No, I will not feel fulfilled until I fire at will.
I am all dressed to the nines just like I am all the time
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.
Even though I'm immobile my intentions are noble.
and my scope it is global. Think I'll cause a Chernobyl
I 'm impeccably dressed but I'll make this place a mess
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.

Inaction film celebrity.
They're making movies about me.
My agent's calling on the phone.
I will be played by Frank Stallone

Look at me in this swell tuxedo.
I'm gonna blow you to Toledo.
Explosive dummies are the future
I hope you fellas are all insured.
I'm bendable, expendable, commendable

I look like I'm standing still, but I am ready to kill.
No, I will not feel fulfilled until I fire at will.
I am all dressed to the nines just like I am all the time
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.
Even though I'm immobile my intentions are noble.
and my scope it is global. Think I'll cause a Chernobyl
I 'm impeccably dressed but I'll make this place a mess
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.

I look like I'm standing still, but I am ready to kill.
No, I will not feel fulfilled until I fire at will.
I am all dressed to the nines just like I am all the time
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.
Even though I'm immobile my intentions are noble.
and my scope it is global. Think I'll cause a Chernobyl
I 'm impeccably dressed but I'll make this place a mess
I'm getting angry. I'm a demolition mannequin.
Track Name: Eduardo O'Lantern
Eduardo O'Lantern

Once in Spain or in Russia--
Someplace European like so.
Was a scientist. This one was mad
like it usually goes.

He obtained a small pumpkin
the only one there was in town.
Yes, he made it a monster
although his intentions were sound.

Eduardo O'Lantern!
Was half man, half pumpkin!
Yes, thanks to the lightning,
so buff and so frightening! I'm scared!
Eduardo O'Lantern
Your name was confusing!
Were you Mexican? Irish?
Perhaps it is not here nor there.

'Twas a drought that they suffered from
turning the vegetables brown.
And the scientist brought them Eduardo
to save the whole town.

See, despite his great size
and his rippling muscles abound.
He could nurture the plants
By slamming his fists to the ground.

Eduardo O'Lantern!
They didn't understand you!
All they saw is a beast
But you wouldn't have feasted on bone!
Eduardo O'Lantern!
Could've been their savior.
They could've survived if they had simply left you alone.

Eduardo faced the farmlands and he slammed his massive hands
He tried to use his powers to revitalize the land.
The town folks saw Eduardo and they went into a panic
A pumpkin-headed muscle man they thought it was satanic!

He couldn't speak a word and so he couldn't quite explain
He was a peaceful creature with a turnip for a brain.
They prodded him with pitchforks and then screamed "abomination!"
He still refused the urge of just abandoning his station.

The townsfolk, ever foolish, they continued to protest.
They threatened Ed O'Lantern with their torches to his chest.
He couldn't take the heat, you see, and burned into a crisp.
And with no crops to feed them, yes the town ceased to exist.

Eduardo O'Lantern!
Lad, we hardly knew ye!
Your screams borne of agony
Were only met by deaf ears!
Eduardo O'Lantern!
Could've been their hero.
His mass vegetation
Could have saved their lives and careers.

Eduardo O'Lantern!
Was half man, half pumpkin!
Yes, thanks to the lightning,
so buff and so frightening! I'm scared!
Eduardo O'Lantern
Your name was confusing!
Were you Mexican? Irish?
Perhaps it is not here nor there.
Track Name: Kittens for Sale
I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Little fuzzy kittens.
I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Little fuzzy kittens.

They have fluffy little tum-tums.
You should buy one 'cause you want one.
Every home could benefit from little fluffy kitties.
They have purrs and they have meows
the white one's like a little cloud
Yes anyone would be so proud to own something so pretty.

Tiny baby kitty cats are small and round and kinda fat. Oh yeah!
Purring happy fluffy loves they've got white paws like little gloves! Oh yeah!

I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Little fuzzy kittens.
I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Iddums uddums fuffs-fuffs!

See their tails? They're very small.
In fact they're scarcely cats at all!
Because you see those little balls of fuzz are known as kittens!
Wanna hug 'em. Wanna love 'em.
If you got one you want more of 'em.
Lovely as the sky above 'em. Surely you'll be smitten.

They have squishy little faces. They will love your warm embraces. Oh yeah!
See that one? I named it Spot. He likes his ball of yarn a lot! Oh yeah!

meow meow meow meow

I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Little fuzzy kittens.
I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Iddums uddums fuffs-fuffs!

I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Oonchy boonchy woonch woonch!
I've got 1, I've got 2, I've got 3 kittens for sale.
Whooza little boo boo?
Track Name: It's Hip to Jump on Squares
I wanna be somebody! If I were somebody
I’d prob’ly have a milliondy friends!
I wanna be somebody, but to be somebody
D-do I have to follow the trends?

The trends seem contrary and so arbitrary.
The favor changes every few months.
There’s one that just started that seems so half-hearted.
Why do I have to act like a dunce?

The one that isn’t any fun,
the one that just seems super dumb
involves hopping on geometric shapes.

It’s so hip
to jump on squares.
You throw them all on the ground.
Why am I hopping around?
Oh baby, it’s so hip.
to jump on squares.
I won’t agree to this fad.
Nosiree I don’t need popularity so bad.

I’ve heard a few other fads that don’t seem nearly quite as bad.
The one involving shaving a goat (On a boat!)
Another started recently that can be pulled off decently
Requires digging, then filling a moat. (Yeah, a moat!)

But then I can’t quite explain, the one that seems like a pain,
the trend of wearing pants made of beef. (Kobe beef!)
From classroom to classroom the latest in fad booms
is eating a whole ream of loose leaf. (With their teef!)

But I’d rather do all of those
than the one I’d like to dispose
of: Hopping on geometric shapes.

It’s so hip
to jump on squares.
You throw them all on the ground.
Why am I hopping around?
Oh baby, it’s so hip.
to jump on squares.
I won’t agree to this fad.
Nosiree I don’t need popularity so bad.

Wearing poison ivy rings and
jalapeño underthings
and playing house with Larry King
and eating rotten chicken wings

Collecting foreign shoulder pads
and ads involving dads and grads
are infinitely not as bad as
understanding why—

It’s so hip
to jump on squares.
You throw them all on the ground.
Why am I hopping around?
Oh baby, it’s so hip.
to jump on squares.
I won’t agree to this fad.
Nosiree I don’t need popularity so bad.
Track Name: Laser Gun
Yesterday I wasn't zapping martian slime cows.
Today I am. Today I am.
Such a feat requires elegance and know-how.
I am the man. I am the man.

Passed my space ranger test.
Are you not impressed?
You should probably run.
Because you see

I've got a Laser Gun!
And this thing weighs a ton!
I'm blasting everyone!
I've got a Laser Gun!

Are you having issues with Venusian Squid Hogs?
I'll blast 'em gone. I'll blast 'em gone.
Is your yard infested with Electric tree frogs?
I'll save your lawn. I'll save your lawn.

I cannot be discrete
Packing laser heat.
You should probably run.
Because you see

I've got a Laser Gun!
I know what would be fun!
I'll shoot you in the buns!
I've got a Laser Gun!

Please just accept who I am.
I have a right to kablam.
No bullets involved.
From guilt I'm completely absolved.
I have rights to laser fights.

Yesterday I wasn't zapping evil space jerks.
Today I am. Today I am.
Trigger happiness is happiness, so that works.
It's laser zen. It's laser zen.

You've got to kill lunar freaks
to reach inner peace.
You should probably run.
Because you see

I've got a Laser Gun!
I'm getting so much done!
I have already won!
I've got a Laser Gun!
Track Name: Strictly Speaking (feat. Power Salad)
Strictly speaking I'm not on fire
Strictly speaking shoes are not tires

You are in Illinois and
I'm not but not by choice and
I wanna visit you but 40 cents won't make it happen

I just got fired from Starbucks
Seems I've got all the hard luck
And I'm the whitest so I won't make any cash from rappin'

We're so far apart and yet I
love you oh so much.
I can't help but wonder why you
haven't kept in touch?

Beaver's on the wall
Beaver's on the wall
Beaver's on the wall
Beaver's on the wall

Strictly speaking I got distracted
Ignore that chorus. Consider it redacted.

What was I gonna say?
I guess I lost my place.
Oh right, I was discussing our distance relationship and

I think you're wicked neat but
I feel a bit defeated.
I've got a feeing that you're gonna try and call it quits and

We're so far apart and yet I
love you oh so much.
I can't help but wonder why you
haven't kept in touch?

Thumb suckin' ape
Thumb suckin' ape
Thumb suckin' ape
Thumb suckin' ape

I'm sorry there's a bunch of distracting stuff in my room.
I think my lack of focus might have lead to our impending

Cat biscuits
Cat biscuits
What do they mean?
Cat biscuits
Cat biscuits
What do they--
Ah, crap she closed the chat window.
Track Name: Uh Oh! (Someone's in My Way)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)

Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)

I gotta be somewhere in moments.
And I have all the components
Of being wicked late. Well, that's just great.
I cannot tolerate your slowness.

You're bumming in my blind spot. Well ain't that fine!
Judging from your liver spots, most'a your spots are blind.
I gotta get there now! I gotta get there today!
Uh oh! Someone's in my way!

You may have noticed that I chose the diamond lane.
This is the lane constructed for speed that's insane.
Your plodding is creating an intense migraine.
And I can see your bumper sticker's pro-McCain.

Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)
Uh Oh! (Uh Oh!)
Uh Oh! (Someone's In My Way!)

I guess it is out of the question.
For a successful merging session.
You won't let me ahead nor behind.
My friend, you'll pay for your transgressions.

You'll get an eyeful of my high beam fun.
Say pal, it's midnight, why not turn your lights on?
You're rubbernecking at the slightest chance.
What are you getting from more than just a glance?

I know you see an accident, but what is your plan?
Fly over like some kind of superman?
Perform surgery on the victims of the wreck and
repair the damage in a matter of seconds?
Are they gonna declare you the hero of the day
and raise you up shouting hip hip hooray?
That ain't gonna happen, so pick up the pace
and avoid the misdeeds I'll perform on your face.
Track Name: Welcome Home, Frank
Well, some stuff's gone down since you have been gone
Like that gaping hole that's in our front lawn.
Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.

No I can't explain all the clowns in the back
If he was still alive, I'd tell Robert Stack.
Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.

To answer your question, yes you can leave me alone for five minutes.
How can you say I'm to blame for all this. That's an awful way for you to spin it.

There's a skeleton in your dresser drawer.
I removed it once, but it's back for more
And the chupacabra in the doorway
Just came over for a cup of sugar. (Don't sweat that.)

There's some marmalade on your PS3.
On the plus side, I'd rather have a Wii.

Welcome home, Frank
Welcome home.

I can see in your eyes you're a touch unnerved. I can't blame you for that.
But don't take your problems out on me. Stop the rug-burning stat. Ow.

*instrum*
Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.

*instrum*
Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.

I think that I'm going to take my leave until you simmer down.
I won't be abused by your pitiful face. You are killing me with that frown.

The neighbor kid ate up all our food.
I informed him in writing that it was rude.

Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.

The lemur and the llama who are bothering your momma
They've come over for the drama and to eat all your bananas

Not my fault, Frank.
Welcome home.
Welcome home, Frank.
Welcome home.
Track Name: Y'Gotta Try (feat. Lindzilla)
Y'Gotta Try

Oh man! Y'gotta try this chocolate! It's from Europe or something! There's a little bit of mud in it!
Oh man! Have you tried this lemonade? It's lightly salted. There's a little drop of blood in it!
Oh man! Y'gotta try this restaurant where the theme is that your bring in your own food in!
Oh man! Have you tried this giant cake? It's the size of a human and when you're done you'll find the dude in--

SIDE! You're missin' out, man!
Don't you know how to live?
We've got a culture and some stuff
with so many gifts to give!

There's a whole big world out there
Don't knock it 'til you tried it, bro!
No, seriously, all of it!

Chorus:
You might like it if you try!
Like the hair plucked clean from your thighs. (Hair plucked clean from your thighs.)
Or this pointy thing in your eye. (Pointy thing in your eye.)

Dude. Dude? DUDE!

Hey dude! Have you seen that movie where Gary Oldman plays an actual old man named Gary?
Hey dude! Y'gotta see that flick where Matthew McConaughey and himself get married!
Hey dude! Did you see that film where Taylor Swift kills like 85 nazis?
Hey dude! Y'gotta see that documentary about the paparazzi that follows the paparazzi!

Woah, sorry there, dude. You said you liked movies!
Why don't you just try 'em 'stead'a getting all moody.
There's a great big world out there
Don't knock it 'til you tried it, bro!
All of the its!

Chorus:
You might like it if you try!
Like this ham and ham only pie. (Ham and ham only pie.)
Or this rope-shaped non-clip-on tie. (Rope-shaped non-clip-on tie.)

Did you see that band (with the purple man)
Made of marzipan (sounds like Steely Dan?)
Did you see that band (where they will not stand)
So they sit on cans? (They're from Kazakhstan)
Did you see that group who is named Duck Soup.
Chilling on that stoop singin' 'bout Greg Proops?
And the venue they play's
Open only thursdays
And it's called Hunny Glayz
And the food there's ok.

Hey bro! Y'gotta try that game! It's on Turbografx 18! It's about a dead fish!
It's really good! It got, like a 5.3 on IGN, I think. Or maybe 3.5..

Chorus:
You might like it if you try!
Like some rain on 4th of July. (Rain on 4th of July.)
Or a dwindling money supply. (Dwindling money supply.)
Or your third DWI. (Third DWI.)
Or a Kyle saying goodbye. (Don't. You're making me cry.)
Track Name: Your Secret Project
I know that you've been sneaking 'round and carefully you're planning something.
Sorry, but I noticed right away.
You're absolutely diligent in every little detail
of the project that you're working on today.

You're tweaking the minutiae and refining every concept.
I must admire your dedication, friend.
But what's truly the remarkable thing 'bout all of your efforts
Is how useless they all are in the end.

Your project sucks
It's not your ticket out of here
Your project sucks, my friend.
Your project sucks
Hey, don't kill the messenger
You're gonna die poor in the end

Now take is easy, friend. I know exactly what you're thinking.
You've got an awful look upon your face.
Now don't get all defensive. I am only tryin' to help you out.
I don't want all your time to go to waste.

It's just that all this plotting and this measuring and planning
Has lead to the conclusion that I have.
It isn't that you haven't done the work or done the research.
The outcome is just really, really bad.

Your project sucks
It's not your ticket out of here
Your project sucks, my friend.
Your project sucks
Hey, don't kill the messenger
You're gonna die poor in the end

Your motivation's aok.
And I support you come what may.
But understand I have to say
Exactly my opinion.
You can give a man a fish
and you can teach a man to fish
but he will not catch any fish
with no talent within him.

Your project sucks
It's not your ticket out of here
Your project sucks, my friend.
Your project sucks
Hey, don't kill the messenger
You're gonna die poor in the end
Track Name: Kyle and Luke Talk About Toons Theme (feat. the great Luke Ski)
Kyle: We spend all day drawing cartoons
Luke: From morning until the late afternoon.
Both: But when we come home from that:

Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
Oh, what in the world
could even be wrong with us?

Luke: Hey Kyle. Kyle: Yes Luke. Luke: I think that I'm the only guy
who remembers Rick Moranis in “Gravedale High”.
Kyle: You might have caught that, but the rest of us missed,
'cause I was watching “Kidd Video” starring Robbie Rist.
But what I really miss is Will Vinton’s Claymations,
Luke: (eating) How' bout a Michael Bay film about “the California Raisins”?
Kyle: Are you eating Chipotle? Luke: *gulp* Yeah, they're salsa's good!
Kyle: So rude. Luke: Hey suck my [BALSA WOOD!]
Kyle: I was such a huge geek for that cat named “Eek”.
Check out the fan art I made on my stylin' Cintiq!
Luke: Hey, I wonder why “Spawn” is no longer on.
Or how about a “Wreck-It Ralph” crossover with “Tron”?
Kyle: And that's the way that we go when we're recording our show,
throwing in some funny songs like Dr. Demento
Luke: And if we go off on tangents and you get real bored,
you can always Kyle: CHOOSE YOUR MAGISWORD!

Kyle: Ok, I’ll admit, we’re a little obsessed.
Luke: But we think cartoons are simply the best.
Both: So when we aren’t making them:

Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
And alienate
all the civilians!

Rap Verse 2:
Luke: Can we have one of our patented chats
about the show “Heathcliff and the Catillac Cats”?
Kyle: First of all, forget Heathcliff, he’s not the star.
It’s the rest and their transforming hover-house-car.
Luke: Yeah, that one cat named Wordsworth; He just spoke in rhymes
and wore headphones and roller skates all of the times.
Kyle: With Hector and Mongo, they were the sidekick trio
of Riff Raff, who dated that girl cat named Cleo.
Luke: Hey, did I ever tell you that my mom forbid
me from watching that show back when I was a kid,
because she thought Cleo was some kind of sexist slut?
Kyle: You’re kidding. Luke: Nope. Kyle: I, I don’t even-, wut?!
Luke: Like something like that would give me permanent scars.
Kyle: Didn’t you do once do a song called “Sex Kittens From Mars”?
Luke: Well yeah, but, y’know, y’know, it's like, y’know, just, y’know,
uh, rhyming words, shuuuuuut up!


Kyle and Luke
Will talk about toons
And alienate
half of the audience